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No Church/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man who wears his heart on his sleeve next to his ketchup and gravy stains, your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) woo, woo, woo! Boy, harold, huh? Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Today I'm going to do something I really enjoy. Fishing, uncle red? No, I'm going to ross perot's for a fondue party. Of course I'm going fishing -- tried to go last Sunday. There's so many fishermen, I had to jump up and down in the boat just to get her to touch the water. That's because reverend frank closed the church and left town. If he ran out of sinners he can come to the lodge. No, he went looking for a bigger church. I guess he's paid on commission. Church is closed and there's no more Sunday services. No church on Sunday? We've got to do something about that. What do you care? -- You never went. No, it's not for me, it's for the other people. They gotta be in church with the fishers of men so I can be on the lake with the fishers of trout. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the message being, for gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel. You wanna make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. I thought we'd place an ad for a reverend. The want ads don't have a classification for religious leaders. Maybe under "business personals". Maybe under "sales" or "delivery services". Why are you dressed like that? Are the village people hiring roadies? No -- my boy scout troop is meeting here tonight. Boy scouts coming to possum lodge? Is there a badge for that, like "indoor survival"? No -- normally we meet at the church. But ever since reverend frank took off, the church is closed. Possum lodge is here. The boy scouts are there. I figured, you know, whaa ah. You can't bring boy scouts to the lodge just because the reverend got the flock out of here. I don't think you want to get the boy scouts upset. They have sharp knives and they know a lot of knots. I've got to get that church back open. Maybe a school bus will come to town, one with the flower power and peace signs and catch fire and melt. How would that help? That's how we got reverend frank. (red): Later in the show, bill and harold are going to pitch a tent and go camping. Ooo. They say two heads are better than one. Not those heads, I would say. This is a little bit of a preview here. Harold's got the tent pegs in there. I was smart enough to stay away from this adventure. What's bill-- oh yeah, ok. Got the big hammer there. Harold, what do you think? You going to hold-- good idea? You going to hold the pegs? You're fine, oh, you're fine. Gosh, come on, come on, come on. Part of the ritual of being a man, you gotta hold the pegs for bill. Watch out. Oh, you're fine, you're good. Uh-oh -- oh no, you're fine. More of that later. ♪ oh, the grass is wet this morning ♪ ♪ it glitters in the sun ♪ ♪ it soaks my shoes and makes me muse ♪ ♪ as to whence the moisture comes ♪ ♪ I checked through all the plumbing ♪ ♪ and for leaks in the watering can ♪ ♪ but this h2o seems to flow from ♪ ♪ the hole in the rad in my van ♪ ok, this is for some of buster hatfield's chili and a new set of seat covers. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Humphries to say this word. "teenager." oh ha! And go! Less than 20 years old. Good as new. No, I'm talking about a person who's less than 20 years old. Punk. (laughing) younger than 20, older than 12. Shop-lifter? (laughing) this is a general term -- like your daughter. She's a... Burden, a terrible, terrible burden. (laughing) she was an infant, then she became a toddler, then an adolescent, and now she's a... Demon, satan spawn, devil worshipping-- yes, I know she acts that way. But that's because she became this... Fat. We're almost out of time. All right... Dalton, to you this person gets away with murder. O.J. Simpson! O.J. Simpson! Right?! (laughing and applause) yeah, o.J. This week on "handyman corner" we're gonna do something to make you feel young again -- because it's dangerous. I don't mean dangerous to build. I'm talking about dangerous to use. That's what gets the juices going -- the adrenalin, the testosterone, the hydrogen peroxide. Most of you know what these are. With space-age plastic and no-wax floors, these units have become a thing of the past. You can get 'em real cheap at a yard sale, even a dump. You'll need two. What are we gonna make? How about electric rollerblades? You know young people and the dumb things they're doing? We're one step ahead of them. First, separate the head of the unit from the handle. Use one of these lubricating sprays. Very careful where you put it. Sometimes there's a hidden nut or bolt in there. This will dissolve the rust. Loosen them to where they'll come apart that much easier. There we go. Remember a few winters ago when you said "boy, I need a winter activity"? It was probably your wife that said it, or your doctor. So you got yourself some cross-country skis. Then you came to your senses and bought a snowmobile. Here's the good news. You're going to be able to use those cross-country skis, 'cause we want to take the bindings off there and the boots off there and attach them to our floor polishers. Now, it's probably a scandinavian bolt. Could be any kind of thread. All right, that's fine. You don't have to feel bad about doing that to the skis. If you'd kept skiing, you probably would have done this yourself and probably done the same thing to your leg. Tie that on to the top of the floor polisher using a bolt and a washer, or, hey, whatever you like. There we go. Take a look at how this works. All right, see there? See how it goes? Oh! Did you notice that the brushes go in opposite directions? That means the steering and direction, it's sensitive. If you wanna go backwards, lean forward. You wanna go left, lean right. Go right, lean left. Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight. If you wanna stop, you would lean all the way forward into what I believe they call a face plant. We're all set. Let's go rollerblading. Oh. You need a portable source of electricity, so I've gotten a bunch of nine-volt batteries. There isn't a walkman working within 50 miles. When you wire these up, make sure you have the same amount of electricity going to each foot. I'm ready to go. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. All right, there's a bit of technique involved. Guess I need a little more polish. (screaming) ahhh! Whatever this is, we got lots more. I want to talk to you older guys about diet and exercise, 'cause if you're like me, you plan to start exercising first thing tomorrow morning, or next week or the week after that, but certainly by the end of the summer. Course, it's all talk and no action. Why is that? -- Because you got no motivation. Some doctor studied guys who have had heart attacks. Usually, when a guy has his first heart attack he jumps up and he starts exercising. Unbelievable. They get up there and they get going. There's no talk -- it's all action. Why? -- He's motivated at that point. So don't beat yourself up because you eat too much or you smoke or drink or whatever. Once the old ticker gives you the, you know, or they find a lump, or the doctor holds up your x-ray and goes "uh-oh," then you'll have all the motivation you need. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) I've already received a couple of applications for a new reverend for possum lake. This one's even got a picture. "hi, I'm a sun worshipper. "I believe that god wants us all to be naked." (audience laughing) not you, he doesn't, sir. Oh, sorry -- ma'am. (laughing) what's this one say? "pope larry--" (laughing) (laughing and applause) (cheering) it's the high priest of the incas. No, it's me, harold. No, we're having our morris dance group meeting here. Oh, no, you're not. Oh, yes, we are. Not dressed like that -- there are laws. Yes, there are laws, and there's a municipal by-law, that leased you this land, that stipulates you must create space for the community. Since when? It's in the charter. Nobody's ever come here before. No kiddin'! If you had a choice between the church and here, where would you go? Even the satanists prefer the church. Who else has dibs on this place? Anyone who used the church -- floor hockey league, bingo... I gotta find a reverend. The a.A. Group, the hymn and howl group, all sorts of things. We're gonna have the-- whoo! What the heck is this? Man, that's loud! (laughing) whoa! (applause and cheering) the irish dancers will be here. We got also the... There's gonna be the wine and cheese club. Ohhh! (laughing and applause) did I mention the model airplane club? No, you didn't! The model airplane club. Today we'll hear from mr. Buzz sherwood. Buzz? (clearing throat) uh, hey, my name's buzz. (all): Hi, buzz. And, uh... I went two weeks without acting like a guy. All right! But it's hard, eh? 'cause, you know, it's, you know, seat up before, put the seat down when you're done... But, um... Last Sunday I had a setback. I was in the backyard, putting this gas barbecue together. Everything was goin' great but I couldn't figure out how to attach the burner to the main unit, and I just started acting like a guy. I said, "there must be parts missing." I got more tools and I got duct tape and I thought, "I'll just jerry-rig this and make it work!" I thought, "I'll throw it in the garbage "and make one with my bare hands!" and then the woman that loves me, she said... She saved me with three little words. "read the instructions." (audience laughing) the instructions -- these are like the extra cards you get in a new deck. You throw them out! It's like the paper you get in new jeans that says "inspected by number 47." what was I talkin' about? The instructions. Oh, right, yeah, the instructions! So I read them, right? And I was doing it wrong. And then I realized... This piece of paper has... Made me realize I was a failure, and then... I thought, "no, man, you're not a failure. "you would have figured it out eventually. "you didn't need the stupid instructions. "you would have got it." then I thought, "well, reading instructions, "you're not askin' for help. "you're cheating." (laughing) so I'm not a loser! I'm a cheater! And I felt a lot better! Ohhh! (red): Back at the tent pegs, we'll finish up "adventures with bill". They're workin' on... (glass breaking) ... Workin' on the windows around the lodge. It's a new kind of tent they'll put up. It's one that's got kind of... Progress isn't always good. I don't know what they call 'em -- umbrella tent or something. The frame's on the outside. It's got a lot of spring to it. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Night fell. Anyway, in they go. It's one of the great things about camping. You don't want too big a tent because part of the experience is the bonding feeling you get by being in a confined-- you don't need-- there are things you take you really don't need. The point being that when you get into them smaller tents, maybe a one-man tent with two men inside, you don't need as many things as you might think you do. Boy, oh, boy -- you find that you get into a thing where, you know, you talk about things and just... Oh, my gosh! What the heck? What have you got, boys? Oh, oh, oh, oh! It's a boy! All right, then they can just lay back. And they can talk about things and just have that camaraderie that goes hand in hand with camping. (snoring) now, this-- ok, all right, ok. All right, harold, there's a problem. What you have is what we like to call a snorer, also known as "a fist magnet". In this case, harold's gonna shine a light in his eyes... And boy, oh, boy. One thing about bill, you know? When he's asleep, he is asleep, and when he's awake, he's too much awake, too. What he's gonna do now... One thing they've thrown out is the snorkel-and-mask set, so he grabs the mask. Putting that-- sometimes, apparently-- what's that there? Oh, boy, that would be... Sort of a mississauga rattler. Anyway, if you interrupt the breathing pattern... There we go. See, there's a problem-- (snoring) oh, well, ok, all right. Not perfect, not perfect. Harold realizes that he's got the snorkel. Put the snorkel in the mouth. He doesn't grab the snorkel -- he grabs the assistant snorkel -- in this case, a snake. Harold, that's a snake. Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. See you later, harold. "the lamb shall lie down with the lion "and the bill shall lie down with the rattler." here's a love letter to harold from a lady viewer. Nice stationery. We explore the three words that men find so difficult to say... (audience): "I don't know!" so true. Wah, wah! Joining my uncle red in the expert portion is a brand-new person in the area, building a cottage here -- successful businessman mr. Kevin black! (applause and cheering) yeah! Welcome. All righty. Yeah -- no, no. I chose this letter especially for you. "dear experts, I'm an executive in a metropolitan area. "I'm thinking about buying a cottage around possum lake. "how could I make a purchase?" hang on one second. We should probably take that to bed, see how it creases the sheets, ok, babe? All right. (laughing) guys, right up front, what I'd like to say is I think a summer property is a fantastic idea. I love this area. I'll get used to the people. I recently purchased 1,000 acres of waterfront. Yeah, kevin here bought blood point. It's called bluff point on the real estate survey map. The guy who did the map never lived there. How are the mosquitoes, kevin? Oh, they're fine, fine. I'm told, of course, they're not always this bad. No, they're worse in the spring. (harold): Don't you listen. It's a beautiful spot. Nice cottage you're buildin' and everything. Is that a swimming pool you're puttin' in? No, harold, it's not. It's a tennis court. I'm building it in a stand of cedar trees. That's a great idea. You know what you might want to do? Just a suggestion, of course. Put up a real fine mesh on the fence, or maybe a sign saying "no mosquitoes". (laughing) that wouldn't work, would it? (laughing) I think mr. Black is saying, "by all means, come to possum lake "and buy up the property. "there's bargain prices here for you." let me give you a suggestion. Don't buy vacant property. The community's been here 150 years. If land hasn't been built on, there's usually a good reason. (laughing) here's what you do. Find the oldest building in the area, 'cause they had every location to choose from. That's the place on the best spot. Put an offer in on that one. Surprisingly, that's darned good information! Yes, and you know what? I'm interested in this. I have some investors. We could have a limited partnership. What did you say was the oldest building? Well, the lodge. (laughing) well. (laughing and applause) good news -- just got off the phone with reverend frank. I figured he had a problem 'cause he called collect. He couldn't get another job. The churches, they're cuttin' back with financial things. They figure it's cheaper to let everybody go to hell. Reverend frank is comin' back. The church-- (barking and screaming) (laughing) what the heck? Man! What happened? Bad reviews? It wasn't bad reviews! We were in the basement, rehearsing our andrew lloyd webber version of "cats". Reow, reow! Bunch of lodge members thought it would be funny to let their dogs down in there. They went wild, you know? The way dogs do -- wild! I know what you're sayin'. We can't do "cats" any more. We'll have to do "les miserables". Well, everything you actors do is pretty miserable. (possum squeal) there's the meeting, harold. Change your clothes. I'll be down soon. You want to clean up your kitty litter, harold? Ahhh... If my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. In keeping with this religious theme, if you're in the mood to guide a lost soul to a heavenly body, I'm your man. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of harold and myself and the gang, including rum-dum-tigger, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise. (possum squeal) (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. Harold, start it off. (harold): The person who stole the duct tape from my bedroom, please raise their hand. The person who taped me to the bed, raise their hand. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!